Chipmunk/Vampire

No matter where you are, no matter who you know, there are certain truths about two professions: Dentists are psychopaths and orthodontists are sociopaths.
Not that I have any quarrel with my tooth-fixated amigos. I'm sure they are perfectly nice, for the most part. Many sadists are.
But why, you ask, do I make these accusations? Trust me, it is not without cause. Take, for instance, the psychopath. A psychopath is someone who kills (or maims or tortures) indiscriminately, for thrills. The dentist fits neatly into this category: they torture more people more excruciatingly, but for briefer periods of time and less money.
The sociopath is a classier, more discerning sadist. A sociopath picks and chooses their victims, hiding the evidence well. The sociopath seems quite nice to their neighbors because they have no sense that they are doing anything wrong. This is the very picture of the orthodontist, whose careful brand of torture is refined down to an art. At first, nothing seems sinister about a bit of metal in the mouth. The victim goes home waving cheerily to their teeth-correcting friend. But, slowly, hour by hour, the teeth become tender to the point of absurdity, until the victim's very existence is excruciatingly painful. The orthodontists even appreciate the little details; they charge an absurd amount, therefore insuring that the victim carries through their course of pain to avoid wasting their money.
The crux of this argument: rubber bands. Little pieces of elastic that simultaneously make it difficult to talk and impossible to yawn, cause pain, make you look like a chipmunk when your mouth is closed, and make you look like a vampire when you smile.
The jury is out. I rest my case.

Yours &c,
E. A. Weatherfield.